Life in Christ: Forgiveness

Overview: The Unforgiving Servant

Matthew 18:21-35 — Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"

"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settle them, there was brought to him one who owed him ten thousand talents. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made."

"The slave therefore falling down, prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.' And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt."

"But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.' His fellow slave fell down and began to entreat him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.' He was unwilling however, but went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed."

"It was reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."

Why We Are to Forgive

Ephesians 4:31-32 — "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

You are to forgive because God in Christ forgave you for your sin against Him.

Forgiveness Is Not Merely Forgetting

Those who want to forget all that was done to them will find they cannot do it. Don't put off forgiving those who have hurt you, hoping the pain will one day go away. Once you choose to forgive someone, then Christ can begin to heal you of your hurts. But the healing cannot begin until you first forgive.

Forgiveness Is a Choice, a Decision of Your Will

Since God requires you to forgive, it is something you can do. Sometimes it is very hard to forgive someone because we naturally want revenge for the things we have suffered. Forgiveness seems to go against our sense of what is right and fair. So we hold on to our anger, punishing people over and over again in our minds for the pain they've caused us.

But we are told by God never to take our own revenge (see Romans 12:19). Let God deal with the person. Until you forgive someone, you are still hooked to that person. You are still chained to your past, bound in your bitterness. By forgiving, you let the other person off your hook; but he or she is not off God's hook. You must trust that God will deal with the person justly and fairly, something you simply cannot do.

You may say, "But you don't know how much this person hurt me!" You're right. I don't, but Jesus does, and He tells you to forgive others for your sake. Until you let go of your anger and hatred, the person is still hurting you. You can't turn back the clock and change the past, but you can be free from it. You can stop the pain; but there is only one way to do it: forgive from your heart. Forgive others for your sake so you can be free from your past.

Forgiveness Is Agreeing to Live With the Consequences of Another's Sin

You are going to live with those consequences whether you like it or not, so the only choice you have is whether you will do so in the bondage of bitterness or in the freedom of forgiveness. No one truly forgives without accepting and suffering the pain of another person's sin. That can seem unfair, and you may wonder, "Where is the justice?" The Cross makes forgiveness legally and morally right. Jesus died once for all our sins. Jesus took the eternal consequences of sin upon Himself. God "made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21). We, however, often suffer the temporary consequences of other people's sins.

Do not wait for the other person to ask for your forgiveness. Remember, Jesus did not wait for those who were crucifying Him to apologize before He forgave them. Even while they mocked and jeered at Him, He prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Forgiveness Comes From Your Heart

Allow God to bring the painful memories to the surface, and then acknowledge how you feel toward those who've hurt you. If your forgiveness doesn't touch the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete. Too often we're afraid of the pain, so we bury our emotions deep down inside us. Let God bring them to the surface so He can begin to heal those damaged emotions.

Forgiveness Is Choosing Not to Hold Someone's Sin Against Him or Her Anymore

It is common for bitter people to bring up past issues with those who have hurt them. They want the other people to feel as bad as they do! But we must let go of the past and choose to reject any thought of revenge. This doesn't mean you continue to put up with the future sins of others. God does not tolerate sin and neither should you. Don't allow yourself to be continually abused by others. Take a stand against sin while continuing to exercise grace and forgiveness toward those who hurt you. If you need help setting scriptural boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse, talk to a trusted friend, counselor or pastor.

Forgiveness Cannot Wait Until You Feel Like Forgiving

You will never get there. Make the hard choice to forgive even if you don't feel like it. Once you choose to forgive, you will be freed from the bondage to unforgiveness and God will heal your damaged emotions. Freedom is what you will gain right now, not necessarily an immediate change in feelings.

The Method of Forgiving

1. Ask God to bring to your mind the people you need to forgive by praying the following prayer aloud:

   Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance and patience toward me, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance. I confess that I have not shown that same kindness and patience toward those who have hurt or offended me. Instead, I have held on to my anger, bitterness and resentment toward them. Please bring to my mind all the people I need to forgive in order that I may now do so. In Jesus' name, amen.

2. On a separate sheet of paper, list the names of people who come to your mind. At this point don't question whether you need to forgive them or not. If a name comes to mind, write it down. Often we hold things against ourselves as well, punishing ourselves for wrong choices we've made in the past. Write "Myself" at the bottom of your list if you need to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is accepting the truth that God has already forgiven you in Christ. If God forgives you, you can forgive yourself! Also write down "Thoughts against God" at the bottom of your list. Obviously, God has not done anything wrong, but we sometimes harbor angry thoughts against Him because He did not do what we wanted Him to do. Those feelings of anger or resentment against God can become a wall between us and Him, so we must let them go.

3. Now you are ready to begin. Starting with the first person on your list, make the choice to forgive him or her for every painful memory that comes to your mind. Continue until you are sure you have dealt with all the remembered pain caused by that individual. Then work your way down the list in the same way.

4. As you begin forgiving people, God may bring to your mind painful memories you've totally forgotten. Let Him do this even if it hurts. God wants you to be free; forgiving those people is the only way. Don't try to excuse the offender's behavior, even if it is someone you are really close to.

5. Don't say, "Lord, please help me to forgive." He is already helping you and will be with you all the way through the process. Don't say, "Lord, I want to forgive..." because that bypasses the hard choice we have to make. Say:

   Lord, I forgive [name] for [what they did or failed to do], which made me feel [share the painful feelings].

6. After you have forgiven each person for all the offenses that came to your mind, and after you have honestly expressed how you felt, conclude this step by praying aloud:

   Lord, I choose not to hold on to my resentment. I thank You for setting me free from the bondage of my bitterness. I relinquish my right to seek revenge and ask You to heal my damaged emotions. I now ask You to bless those who have hurt me. In Jesus' name, amen.

Next week: Seeking the forgiveness of others and dealing with fear.