How My Life Turned Out Differently Than I Imagined

Looking back, I can only be amazed at how my life has turned out. Today, my heart is full of life, purpose, and joy, and I did not imagine that in any way when I was young.

Until my early thirties, I lived in fear, shame, confusion, depression, and the continuous voice in my head repeating, "I just want to die." If I was embarrassed or made a mistake, that mantra would overwhelm my thoughts. I misused prescriptions, alcohol, food, and cigarettes to give me a lift or numb my life.

I had no purpose or direction for my life. I felt my best when I was pregnant, but I was at a loss as to how to raise the boys. The role of wife and mom eluded me. In addition, I had no long-term success in anything I attempted because I did not think I could do anything well. If I did try to do something useful, I became bored or discouraged. However, I felt safe with John and his patient wisdom. I may not have acted like I was listening, but I heard truth and wisdom spoken by John and others — I just didn't act on it.

While living with despair and fear, there was a tiny inward seed of hope. Like maybe, somehow, I had a purpose that I didn't know about, but I didn't know what to do differently to find purpose.

Then, on an August night in 1979, Jesus made me His own. The next day was amazing. I had hope, and somehow I knew Jesus had purpose for me. I did not yet know His ways, but I knew there was new life in me.

Jesus did not delay in my personal training process. Learning to respond to His prompts, or His quiet voice, was so wonderful, so energizing! I quickly learned there was purpose in everything He taught me. I was hungry for more of this new life. Some of His lessons brought such joy, like learning the beauty and redemptive power of worshipping Him. I learned Christian music was life-giving; it met me in the deepest way. Hearing and singing praise music brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart. I found I could give back to my Lord by worshipping Him. Also, listening to music helped me accomplish the harder things Jesus directed me to do — like choosing to do His will over my own.

He taught me to respond to His prompting to read the Bible. It was as if He highlighted certain verses or words as I read. His Holy Spirit, I discovered, was my Tutor, and I loved learning! It was such a change — I never enjoyed learning until He taught me His word.

Soon, at church, people I did not know would approach me to tell me their stories of brokenness. John was always surprised by this because it did not matter if he was standing with me or not. They told me confidential stories as if we were sitting in a private place. As I listened, Jesus would give me His words as a response — often using the scripture I had read that day. It was always what they needed to hear.

Like one day, I was out to pick up dry cleaning and pizza, when the owner of the dry cleaners asked if I would take home a prostitute, high on drugs, because she said she wanted to break away from her pimp. He said he knew I was the person to ask. I said yes — I felt privileged to be asked. Jesus always delighted me with the surprising opportunities to serve Him. The other important lesson was that He loved and provided for all in need.

He also introduced me to His community. The first year of following Christ, He would send people to talk to me about their church or the Bible, or I'd hear a sermon on the radio, but then it was time for me to go to Women's Bible Study, by myself. Except for Jesus's courage, I could not have gone, and I would not have stayed except I was asked to make coffee before Bible study each week. I had great joy preparing coffee for the ladies. I felt there was purpose in that little job — first it kept me going to Bible study, but it was a way of serving others.

I was mentored by different women, became involved in discipleship (always placed in some kind of leadership position), and then I became a leader in Women's Ministry. During this time Jesus took me through an intense, emotional healing process. Jesus, my Counselor, made me aware that I had been abused, as well as many other deep hurts. During this time, He would send me women who had also had similar issues. I was to listen to their pain, share what I learned, and to pray with them.

Within five years of my surrendering to Jesus, I was asked to be the first Women's Ministry Director of a mega church. I thought, this must be the purpose called me to. But no, it was only a training time.

While on church staff, I realized no one could train or help me with resources that would help me do this newly created job. So I sent out a brunch invitation for women church leaders in the Los Angeles and Orange County areas. The idea was to come together to encourage one another, share resources, and ideas. It was so successful that we decided to meet quarterly. That was the beginning of NEWIM — Network of Evangelical Women in Ministry. After I retired from my church position, NEWIM leaders wanted to do conferences, so NEWIM became a 501c3. In addition to quarterly meetings we did yearly conferences designed especially for women in ministry.

Before I left my position at church, the Lord made it clear I was to counsel and mentor women. To my surprise, most of the women I counseled were in spiritual bondage. I asked the Lord for help because I did not know how to help them. To my shame, I even sent a poor lady away, telling her I did what I could for her. She pleaded with me to continue meeting, but I refused. Even though I failed that lady (and probably others), the Lord answered my plea for help by introducing me to Dr. Neil Anderson, who founded Freedom in Christ Ministries. He invited me to sit in while he counseled women in spiritual bondage. Dr. Anderson had developed a counseling tool to lead others into spiritual freedom. I continued to use that tool for decades, counseling hundreds of individuals, as well as teaching classes and conferences.

What I did not understand was that every step forward in ministry was the Lord training me for something very special that He was preparing for women — something never done before. I failed many times over the years, and struggled with pride, but He used everything to train me for what was ahead. Early on, He taught me administrative skills, built my knowledge of His ways. He strengthened my faith, and brought people to help me with each new challenge.

The most telling preparation for what was to come was counseling. People were very forthcoming with their secrets and bondage. These were people of faith that had strayed in terrible ways. Jesus was showing me His Church was in need of repentance.

I will write what special thing Jesus did for women later, but this should give a clear picture of how differently my life turned out. This is just a sampling of thousands of stories I could tell. He was in every detail of my life — and your life as well, if you allow Him control.

Today, as an elderly widow, my life is still filled with life, love, and joy. Living with my son and his family has invigorated every new day. The Lord has prepared this time as well. Thank you, Jesus!